People in relationships sometimes do this thing where they hold all their cards close to their chest, waiting to see what their opponent’s play will be, reading body language or deciphering words for the ‘tell’ that will make it clear if they should bet. While I’m all for honing body language reading skills, and learning to respond in ways that are socially appropriate, relationships are not poker games. In fact, playing the ‘dating game’ or ‘head games’ or ‘having game’ really doesn’t make any sense if you’re trying to deepen or strengthen a relationship. Let’s think about making a new game where both players are on the same team, and they get to see each other’s cards, and decide what move is best together. Both can win, and it’s awesome.
Defining relationships This concept becomes super relevant when trying to define a new relationship. All these anxiety-provoking thoughts come up, “Do they like me? Like, like me like me, or just like me like a friend? If it’s like a friend…what kind of friend? Is it too soon to talk about it? I’m having these feels, but I don’t know if I should say anything because I don’t know if they feel the same way. I think there’s something there…but what if there’s not?!” Or the converse, “ I love hanging out with this person, but I think they like me like me and I only like them like a friend. I want to still be friends, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I also don’t want them to leave. Should I say something, or just see what happens?” And then come the discussions with every close friend in your life, picking apart every interaction, de-coding, and hypothesizing, but avoidance of the most important discussion…the one with that person you’re wondering about. So why do we do this to ourselves? I’ve done it. A lot. When I examine what has stopped me in the past from just opening my mouth and saying words, it’s always fear. Fear of rejection, fear of non-reciprocity, fear of losing a friend, fear of ‘making it weird.’ So protecting my cards is essentially a way to feel more in control and less vulnerable. There’s also a touch of not knowing exactly what to say. I mean, there aren’t a lot of role models out there for how to define relationships intentionally, or to break the ice. Media tells us that two people ‘just know’ and then a relationship is magically born. The problem is, when a relationship is magically born, and not discussed and defined, all these weird expectations come in that are attached with the relationship label- rules of how a significant other should act. And these are invariably broken, because most times they are unspoken, which leads to resentments, and arguing, and tears. Sad day. How to show your cards Alright, so I’ve got my cards here, and they look kind of weird, but I want to show them, but I don’t know how. Starting the conversation can sometimes be the hardest part. Writing down your thoughts can be a great way to organize what you’re trying to say, and to show yourself that you don’t actually sound as crazy as you feel in your head. Another important mental preparation is letting go of expectations of how the conversation will turn out. The purpose of showing your cards is not to guarantee that the relationship will get better or grow. It’s to exist in a relationship in a genuine and honest way, which generally gives permission to the other to feel safe enough to do so as well. A way to start getting words out if you’re not sure how is by acknowledging the difficulty showing your cards, “This is scary for me, but I’m going to put myself out there.” Or ask permission, “Can I give you some thoughts I’ve been having?” Or my personal favorite, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and now I’m all confused. Can I word vomit for a second and get some feedback?” I can hear some people thinking, “But what if I show my cards and then they get freaked out?! And then they just leave?” Yep. It’s possible. But that will give you information too. You’ll learn about their comfort level with honest communication, how they handle feelings, their investment in this relationship- all extremely valuable information for choosing how you want to proceed. All I know is that the strongest relationships are built on trust and honesty. Showing your cards is a part of that. It’s important not just when defining a relationship, but continuously through the process of existing in any relationship, significant other or otherwise.
If it’s scary, weird, or uncomfortable, it probably just means you’re growing. Let’s stop allowing anxiety, fear, guessing, and fantasy to run our relationships. Let’s start growing with the ones we love by showing our cards, being intentional about our relationships, and collaboratively choosing the path we want to take together.
Why do I feel lonely even though I have friends, a loving family and even a boyfriend?
You are laboring under the mistaken belief that the emptiness you feel can be filled by people. It cannot. Nor can it be filled by money, success or status.
Not long after you read this, someone is going to say something to you that will make you angry, hurt, defensive, or all three. This is not where spirituality and inner peace stop. This is exactly where it begins.
Anonymous
